I accidentally had phone sex last night
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
what the fuck happened to the tacos
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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