It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
