What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
