Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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