I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
