Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
