I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
