I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
