went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
