well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
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