dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
