The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
