for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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