i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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