I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
