Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
