He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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