So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
