Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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