Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
