i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
