i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So apparently I’m into choking now
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
