It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
