So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
