Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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