Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
