What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
