You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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