why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
