If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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