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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
