i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize