Swine flu. Run for my life!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
