Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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