Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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