Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
