my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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