evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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