for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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