it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
