Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
