I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
