That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
