Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
