um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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