I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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