just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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