...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
