Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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