wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
