haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
