i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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