Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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