I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize