Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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