You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
