Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
