I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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