I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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