I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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