some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
