Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
